she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
