6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Randomize
