You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
In other news, I just burned my penis
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
