please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
