I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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