I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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