Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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