i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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