a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize