The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
