OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
