I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
