My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
