I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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