I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
The best revenge is premature balding
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
