tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
