Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
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