I want to make a zoo with you.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
