Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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