How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
being pregnant is like rehab
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
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