i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
