I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
