the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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