I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
