Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Randomize
