the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
