I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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