Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
