Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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