I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
