im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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