i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
