wakey wakey hands off snakey
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
only you would photoshop your dick
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize