Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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