btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
