Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I had to cum in my sink.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
