I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I think weed is turning my hair brown
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
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