Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
