I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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