it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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