i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
