Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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