Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
