you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
