i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
