I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
My bed smells like the plague
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