someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
