i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
