What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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