someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
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