and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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