winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
