I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
