I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
