Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
