went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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