If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Im just a social blackout drinker.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
