dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Randomize
