Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
