Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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