I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You need Xanax blowdarts
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
i've created a new STD.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
