I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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