That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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