I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
