there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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