Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Well I just put wine in my tea
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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