thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
