I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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