??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
