p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
