We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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